Rosalyn Palmer : Be your own Valentine for lasting happiness
A survey of 400 women in a relationship in December 2016 revealed that 41% dread Valentine’s Day.
This seems surprising given that, as humans, our need for connection is one of the greatest primeval forces we have.
Think of how we punish people — if you are already in jail then it is solitary confinement; an unruly sailor would be marooned on a desert island; ancient tribes were sent into exile; and people were ‘sent to Coventry.’
It is all about isolation and being cut off from others.
Babies in Romanian orphanages in the late 1980s were given food and drink but they failed to thrive as they had no human contact, or nurture.
So why, on a day that is all about love and connection, do so many feel so unhappy?
Well, it may be due to over-commercialisation.
You know that red roses will triple in price and a meal out will cost twice as much as usual, even though there is a glass of pink Prosecco thrown in for good measure.
Or is it because you may feel disappointed?
When we were clearing out his loft after my dear father died, I discovered a box of all my old cards, letters etc.
Many were Valentine’s cards saying ‘guess who?’ or similar.
Only as an adult did I recognise my mother’s handwriting. She did not want me to feel left out, bless her.
Whatever the reason is for not feeling Cupid’s arrow, the most important relationship to focus on is the one with yourself as it is crucial in order to make all your other relationships work.
I treat many people who are deeply unhappy.
Many women, particularly those in their 50s, are trying to meet the needs of their 20-something children, their ageing parents and, increasingly, their grandchildren.
It is hardly surprising that there is little left to give to their partner, and even less to give themselves.
When I help an exhausted mother I remind her that on an aeroplane we are instructed that in the event of an emergency, a parent must put their own oxygen mask on first before attending to their children.
Fail to do this and you will all be unconscious, so breathe in and:
- Own what is great and unique about you. You cannot be anyone else, they are all taken. Just be the best version of you.
- X-rated language in your own head is a no-no. If you chastised a friend/lover the way you speak to yourself would they stay? Probably not.
- Say to yourself every day: “I am enough.” Write it on your mirrors. Have it as your screensaver. Celebrities who destroy themselves invariably do not feel that they are enough.
Go out and meet people. Life is a journey, not a destination, so enjoy the journey.
If you have not found the one don’t put your life on hold. Enjoy it. If you don’t, how can others enjoy being with you?
Never say never.Even if you have been hurt in the past you can still find someone who loves and values you for who you are.
Rosalyn Palmer is a rapid transformational therapist, clinical hypnotherapist, certified weight-loss practitioner and coach. She is a member of the General Hypnotherapy Register and National Council of Psychotherapists with practices in Newark and London. For more information go to rosalynpalmerhypno.com
Photograph: Ursula Kelly Photography & Video